


Breathless

by BunnyHani



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Han Jisung -centrict, Han Jisung | Han is a Sweetheart, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 03:38:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19191166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BunnyHani/pseuds/BunnyHani
Summary: "Why did you call, hyung?" Chan honestly sounded like he was about ten seconds away from a panic attack, with how much the older was gasping. Jisung's mind flew to his latest writing."Hyung, are you breathless? Is your breath taken away?" He asked the older, while starting sway lightly on the edge."No no no, Jisung no! Don't!" As if sensing Jisung's intentions, the older shouted.Or, Jisung hasn't been feeling well for awhile now. He only has his precious notebook and soon he finds himself on the bridge of death. Thankfully, he has friends to pull him away.





	Breathless

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Depression, anxiety, SUICIDE ATTEMPT.  
> Please people, be careful! Do NOT read, if you're sensitive to these topics. Stay safe. If you have these kinds of problems or thoughts, please try to get help.

Jisung was silent. He sat there, on his bed just thinking, which was always a very dangerous choice. His chest felt heavy with the weight of his emotions, everything hurted but what exactly hurted? And why could he only describe this feeling as empty or breathless? He had his notebook on his lap, just scribbling just random things into it. His mind was too full, but too blank. The more he thought about it, the more prominent the tears in his eyes became. They kept welling up until they finally leaked over and fell. The little drops splattered onto the page of his notebook, wetting it and smudging the ink from the pen. Jisung thought that it was kind of beautiful. He smiled hollowly at the page as more tears escaped his eyes. 

People quickly noticed that he wasn't okay. Mostly because he didn't attempt to hide it really, he just isolated himself more and just looked… Not okay. There was no specific term or expression for it, but there were many words to describe it. Depressed, numb, tired… Broken.  
Honestly speaking, Jisung wasn't exactly sure why he started feeling that way. He never did. But it kept on getting worse, he grew to feel suffocated, breathless in his own body. Of course, he never forgot to mention it to his beloved notebook, sloppily writing and telling about the feeling of being about to burst. Like there was too much inside of him. Maybe he should have talked to a real person, not a notebook which wasn't going to tell his worrisome thoughts forward. But maybe that was the exact reason why he never talked to someone. Because something already lifeless couldn't tell anything to anyone, right?

Jisung just went on with his days, going to school and do his homework, although carelessly but still done. At night, he would write more into his notebook, but not making a sound so sometimes his roommates weren't even sure if he was home. The thought seemed a little ridiculous to Jisung, where else would he be? Dead? He could only wish. He couldn't sleep some nights, but he felt tired. He would swear on his own being that he was tired. The boy would snooze in his classes or space out, leaving the impression that he couldn't wait to go to bed. Which was correct, but his mind disagreed, since when he settled for bed, suddenly he felt awake but sleepy. So he barely slept and it started to show on his face. Still, nobody said anything. Although Jisung was glad, he also questioned if people actually cared about him. He came into the conclusion that he didn't care. The less people actually cared, the better. 

“I consistently find myself wondering ‘why do I harm myself?’, whether it’s physical or emotional or mental… Why do I dig my nails into my skin? Well more like… Why can’t I stop it?

Why do I make myself anxious and bother myself with questions that I clearly have no answers to and for Hell’s sake… I know that I don’t know. I’m not letting myself live. But I can’t stop thinking. I wish I was okay. 

I wish I didn’t have these chains on me. I wish I didn’t have this prickling and cracking energy inside of me, that makes me shake. My heart race. That makes me anguished. 

I wish I could stop all of this. I wish these things weren’t a problem. I wish I didn’t exist.” 

 

Jisung opened his eyes when he felt like it. He only had a class later in the afternoon, so it didn't really even matter when he got up anyways. With a heavy body, he pulled himself up into a sitting position. He sat there with a blank look on his face, too lost in his own head. Jisung got up after some time and with slow steps, he went to the dorm kitchen to get some breakfast. He wasn’t actually hungry, so he wasn’t really sure why he went there in the first place then. He still did. His roommates, Chan and Changbin looked at him, surprise clear on their faces. It wasn’t a wonder, since he barely came out of his room nowadays. The boy still found himself of trying to figure out why neither of them had tried to pry yet. Usually Chan would have already been there to try to help him. So now that it didn’t happen, he found it weird. Not that he wanted the kindness anyways, not at all. To be honest, he felt lonely but at the same time he wanted to stay isolated in his room. It was a conflicting feeling. However, he didn’t have more time to ponder it, when Chan set a small bowl of cereal in front of him. Jisung blinked dully, not having even realized that he had walked to the table to sit down. He still started to eat, even though it kind of made him feel a little sick.  
“So how are you doing?” Changbin asked after the silence had settled. The both males were looking at him, holding their breaths. Jisung tugged the edge of his mouth upwards, making him have a small, lazy smile on his lips.  
“You know the usual”, he replied. His voice came out quietly and smoothly. The boy had kind of expected to have a scratchy voice from the lack of use, but he didn’t. His voice sounded still kind of emotionless. Overall, he looked a little bland. Even though he had a lazy smile and his voice was smooth, he looked anything but relaxed or okay. Or maybe it was just him who really noticed the difference. Maybe that’s why nobody had said anything previously, because maybe he only had noticed the changes on himself, sadly enough.  
“Are you okay?” Chan asked carefully, anxious edge in his tone. Jisung nodded.  
“Yes, just really tired. Insomnia is a bitch, kind of taking a toll on me”, the boy replied. He wasn’t really lying. Insomnia was really making it’s side effects known to Jisung, but he really didn’t want to say anything else about it. He wanted, but he couldn’t. And kind of didn’t want to, either. Another conflict. But he kept his facial expression under control, not letting the internal struggle happening in his mind show. He realized he had spaced out, when he only heard the end of Chan’s little speech:  
“You can talk to us, Sung. Please… Come to us, when you’re struggling. Or even when you aren’t. We’re here.” Jisung’s heart hurted. His mind was doing too many things, leaving him a mess. Jisung’s little emotionless mask broke a little, when he felt his eyes itch from tears. He quickly snapped himself out of it, blinked the tears back and nodded. He stood up from the table and patted Chan’s and Changbin’s shoulders and left back to his room. He didn’t want to eat anymore. 

Jisung dragged himself to the boring class, and basically spent the time spacing out and writing nonsense into his notebook. The teacher most likely assumed he was making notes and doing the given exercises diligently, so at the end of the class, the teacher stopped him before he managed to get out of the class. At first Jisung felt panic. Was he in trouble? Did the teacher somehow notice he wasn’t doing any of the work they were supposed to do?  
“You did so well this lesson! You should try to keep it up. Sudden boost of motivation?” The teacher inquired. Jisung wanted start cackling at the man’s face right there and then, but held it together and nodded slightly, before excusing himself. He really wasn’t in the mood for any meaningless small talk. Mr. Kang looked surprised. Usually Jisung loved to chat with him for a few minutes after class, since it was a literature class, which just happened to be one of Jisung’s favorite and strongest subjects in school. The more the middle aged man thought about it, the more he couldn’t help noticing how distant Jisung had become in a span of few weeks. It was coming closer to a month actually. When the realization hit him, he grew concerned. He had noticed that Jisunf had his moments, when he quieter and it sometimes lasted a long time but it always made him worried seeing the younger boy in that broken, expressionless state. And even though he didn’t want to admit, there seemed to be a pattern. Nibbling on his thumb, he tried to think what to do. 

While Mr. Kang was having a mental breakdown, Jisung was walking through the school campus, heading for the next class. He felt tiredness weigh his eyelids down and he noticed he had a hard time trying to keep his eyes open, even though he was walking. He arrived 5 minutes early and he decided to try his luck on the door handle, to see if the classroom was open. The hallway, where he was standing, was too loud. The door opened and Jisung released a breath he didn't know he was holding. He quickly slipped inside and closed to door behind him. The boy, however, froze when he saw the teacher sitting at their desk, now staring at him, surprise written all over their face. To be fair, if Jisung would have been in their shoes, he would have had that exact same expression in his face too. His mind blanked for a hot second and he struggled to break the stunned silence that had wrapped around them and filled the whole, spacious room. It felt suffocating. Jisung opened his mouth, and finally said:  
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to… Avoid all the noise in the hallway. Sorry, uhh I can just go…" He was surprised himself for blanking out and stuttering so much. With how emotionless he has been feeling for some time now, it seemed like panic, shame and anxiety were the only other emotions that were strong enough to come and play their own part. Something that Jisung most definitely wasn't very happy about. He felt frustrated with himself, yet at the same time, he didn't feel anything. Normally when he felt depressed, he could feel frustration because of the depression, but he didn't even feel that, even though he technically was frustrated. If someone asked, he would be easily be able to say yes, but how was he feeling? Nothing. So he just clenched his fists tightly and furrowed his brows to control the urge to just smash the classroom mirror, that was right next to his head. He vaguely heard the teacher's flustered reply that he could stay in the classroom, until the lesson would start. By that time, when the teacher answered, Jisung was back to more his emotionless shell. Oh well, at least now he could write some more nonsense to this notebook. After sitting down to a vacant place in the room, he caressed the notebook's cover lightly, as a slight appreciation.  
Jisung listened the teacher talk about the topic with only one ear and he was sure he had zoned out for good 20 minutes at one point too. So when he zoned back in, he felt himself flinch and then still.  
"There are multiple mental disorders out there, but today we are talking about the ones that are more common with your age class", the teacher explained on. Jisung felt like he was slapped and he felt sick. What the fuck? What class was this?  
"... Depression. You might be the most familiar with this one. A lot of you will go through something similar, it's usually just harmless angst. But if you feel this way, talk to someone! But yes, back to the symptoms. There are actually quite a few ones…" Yeah, Jisung definitely felt sick. His stomach was churning and his throat felt like it was being squeezed. Oh God, was he going to throw up his breakfast right there, in the middle of the class? He pursed his lips and he briefly noted how fast his leg was pouncing, trying to get the excess energy, caused by panic and anxiety, out and back in control. So far, so good. I mean yeah, he still felt profusely sick yes, but at least he hasn't thrown up or had a panic attack yet, so he counts that as a win. At the end of the class, Jisung left the room, feeling sick and he didn’t remember almost anything at all from the lesson. After the teacher had mentioned depression and had started describing it’s symptoms, side-effects, how he thought most teenagers were faking it and how he felt often scared and sick around these people, who had mental disorders, Jisung had been stuck inside of his head again. He could only focus on how he had felt and how his thoughts were out of control. Only an hour or two later, he also realized that the class was health class, a class that everyone was required to take. And that the teacher should probably get reported to the principal about his inappropriate talk and behaviour towards the topic of mental illnesses. Jisung really didn’t care, he was sure other students would take care of that. He was thankful he didn’t have anymore classes for the day. This was kind of his favorite day, but he also hated it. He liked it that it was so short, but for the same reason, he hated it. Like was it really worth getting up and go to these two classes every week, when he could be just laying in bed and snoozing when his mind would allow it?  
With that, he went back to the dorms, which was empty. Chan and Changbin were probably somewhere, working on their own group projects. He shrugged again. He was completely fine with that. 

“I could ruin everything so easily. Just one mistake. One kill. A suicide. Mine.”

He kind of felt awful about writing all these depressing things to his precious notebook, the poor thing didn’t deserve it. But it held his secrets and Jisung wasn’t willing to let it just go to waste. It was doing a better job at holding his secrets, than any human he has ever encountered in his whole life. Maybe Chan and Changbin would be good at keeping secrets… Jisung quickly erased that thought. His notebook was more than enough for him. Jisung just sat on his bed, completely unaware of his surroundings. His thought process continued on getting worse and worse. He dug his nails into the skin of his arm in hopes of trying to… Control himself? His thoughts? Emotions? He wasn’t sure but he felt like he was going to break. His emotions continued building and building, making him shake. His breathing was picking up, until it all stopped when a thought, an idea popped to his head. He removed his hands from his temples -which he hadn’t even realized, he had put there- and slowly looked up to his doorway, tears slipping down his face. He then glanced at his notebook and back at the doorway. He sniffed and stood up, grabbed his notebook and a pen, his jacket and left the dorms. 

The wind was a bit cold, but Jisung didn’t mind. His mind was a mess, but at least he could finally keep a track of his thoughts again, finally. He had a clear purpose in his mind. When he reached his destination, he felt calm but giddy. He had trouble climbing over the edge and then sitting down on it. Even though Seoul was always a busy town, nobody stopped to anything. If anyone even went past him. He didn’t really pay attention, he just fished his pencil out of his pocket along with his notebook. He took a deep breath. He started writing, with as beautiful handwriting as he possibly could, even though his hands were shaking. He didn’t mind it really.

“Sometimes living makes you breathless from laughing, surprise and good energy.

But mostly it leaves you breathless from the sudden punches and kicks, pain and numbness and anxiety. Sometimes you feel so beaten down that you feel like your breath is taken away, leaving you there just panting, toppled over. Sometimes the emptiness is worse than having a million feelings mingling in your chest.  
How often is your breath taken away? How often do you find yourself toppled over, gasping? It’s not just me, right?”

He looked up to the sky, a smile on his lips again. This time it was a bitter, yet a relieved smile. He felt breathless. He leaned a little forward, but pulled himself back, when his phone started ringing. He blinked in surprise, he had forgotten he even had his phone in his pocket. He slowly took it out and looked at the contact name: Channie-Kangaroo. He sighed, but picked up nonetheless.  
“Hi, hyung”, he greeted with a breathy tone. He heard Chan exhale shakily.  
“Where are you now, Jisung?” Chan asked, stumbling over words. Jisung was silent for a moment, looking around the scenery.  
“At the Mapo bridge. The bridge of life, or the bridge of death, whatever suits your taste better”, he answered easily. This was the lightest he has felt in a while.  
“Jisung… Wh-what are you doing there?” Chan asked and Jisung could hear the rising panic in his voice. Jisung still smiled.  
“Just hanging”, he replied and laughed at his own joke. He heard Chan start chanting ‘no’ over the phone and he felt the need to comfort the older. ‘  
“It’s okay, hyung. I will be fine”, he said. It only seemed to worsen Chan’s mental state. There was a brief silence, when Jisung finally asked:  
“Why did you call now, hyung?” Chan honestly sounded like he was about ten seconds away from a panic attack, with how much the older man was gasping. Jisun’s mind flew to his latest writing.  
“Hyung, are you breathless? Is your breath taken away?” He asked the older, while starting to sway lightly on the edge.  
“No no no, Jisung no! Don’t!” As if sensing Jisung’s intentions, the older shouted. Then Jisung was grabbed. Jisung gasped. He started to thrash in the stranger’s arms and his notebook fell to the ground on the bridge.  
“Oh no, you don’t! I won’t let you go that easily, at least not without me, you brat!” Jisung recognized the voice. Changbin. He would always recognize Changbin’s rough edged voice. Especially when he was growling like that. It was his rapping style, which Jisung had grown accustomed to hear, when they were jamming out to some songs or working on music projects. He should have known. At that point, Jisung just gave up. He knew he wouldn’t be able to free himself from Changbin’s arms. Changbin might have been on the smaller side, but he was ripped. Jisung kind of just leaned against Changbin’s chest and let the older male grab the phone out his hand.  
“Chan? Yeah, I got him”, he said, panting harshly next to Jisung’s ear. Jisung ignored it all. He felt empty, but a small part of him was grateful for Changbin and Chan. But mostly he was just empty. 

Changbin had carried Jisung the whole way back to the dorm, not once complaining. Jisung didn’t say anything when he heard Changbin crying as the two pushed against the wind. Jisung felt sorry for him. He also didn’t utter a word, when his own tears made their way down his cheeks, he just brought his cold hand against Changbin’s cheeks and wiped the tears away. Changbin took a shuddering breath. 

The three of them sat in their dorm living room silently, Changbin and Chan both never once letting their eyes drift away from Jisung, in fear that the younger would just disappear into the thin air. Chan finally opened his mouth and said:  
“Well uhh… I think.. We need to get you some real help, Sungie…” Jisung just nodded. Maybe he did.  
“We’re sorry we didn’t notice the signs. We’re so sorry we didn’t ask, didn’t get close. Gosh, Sung, we were so scared”, Chan finally burst into tears. That snapped Jisung out of his daze. Panic clouded his mind. No! It wasn’t their fault! It was his fault for being dumb and wasting space.  
“No, hyung! It wasn’t your fault”, he exclaimed.  
“Will you please let us get you help?” Changbin asked through his silent tears. Jisung looked at him, mouth opening and closing. He finally whispered:  
“Yes.” And that was all the two older ones needed, since they charged forward, hugging their youngest tightly. Jisung hugged them back just as tightly. Maybe he would be okay. 

 

Bonus:  
“Why did you call, hyung?” Jisung asked Chan one day, as the two drank tea in the kitchen quietly. Chan jolted a little at the question, eyes wide, staring at Jisung, as the younger looked at his steaming cup in his hands. Chan gulped, but answered anyways:  
“I called… Because you weren’t at the dorms. And your teacher called. He-he said that you weren’t doing well, Sungie.”  
“Oh really?” Jisung mumbled. Probably mr. Kang, he concluded.  
“Do you regret it, hyung? Calling me, I mean”, Jisung asked. Chan felt like he was slapped.  
“No! Why… Why do you ask? What made you think I do?” Chan stammered.  
“You have nightmares, hyung. You often yell in your dreams”, he answered simply, even though his heart was racing.  
“No, Sung. I don’t regret it, in fact I would do it all over again, for you. I get nightmares about what could have happened if Changbin wasn’t on time or what if mr. Kang hadn’t called. Or if I didn’t manage to keep you in the phone long enough. Or…! The point is,Jisung… That I’m happy you’re here, I’m happy you’re alive. I love you, you’re far too precious to be lost”, Chan explained. Jisung snapped his eyes to the older. He was in shock. He never thought that he would hear those words from anyone. Regardless if they were meant platonically or romantically, he didn’t care. He just slowly stood up from his seat and embraced Chan, burying his nose to the older’s neck. He will be okay, with Changbin and Chan on his side. Yeah, he had some amazing roommates.


End file.
